Life 18 months to 44 years old

Do you know I have always wanted to write about my life and decided maybe it would be easier to keep a blog about it!

0-10 years old

I don't know where to start so maybe from the beginning!! Conception even as I have had it thrown in my face a few times by my mother!!! My parents got married because my mother was pregnant and in those days to save scandal etc they had to marry - but they weren't happy and went away to discuss divorce (well they were happy for a while because I was conceived!!!) but they still divorced and then my mother met somebody else. This is where I go from being I'm guessing a happy baby to maybe the start of all my issues! When I was 2 years old my mother had a conversation with my grandmother (who was a divorced - working woman with 2 teenagers still at home) My mother wanted to move away to Ireland with her new man and see if she could make a go of it there, to do this she wanted to put my brother and myself into foster care for 6 months! My grandmother being the woman she was said no way and she would have us - amazing as she was basically a working single mum at the time. so at 18 months my brother who was 6 and myself moved into my grandmothers life and house along with my 2 uncles. my eldest Uncle was so nice - he had just finished college and he always took the time to bring me photographing or to the park to play - he used to let me sit in his room and play with his paints and listen to music - I adored and still do "Bob Dylan" Great man. My other Uncle was still in school - 14 and he was a bully not hitting me or anything but would bully me into doing things for him, he would kick over my toy blocks or pretend to pull my dolls heads off! and as my brother was older than me he used to join in too. I loved my grandmother but she was a scary woman!! She was very manipulative and was an expert at giving you guilt trips. I was a rebellious child and obviously had "issues" but I was never sat down and talked to, never hugged or kissed or told "I love you" (now I never say goodnight to my kids without saying I love you) I remember I could always tell how cross my grandmother was with me by the slaps I would get - it would go from a slap with her hand (always on my bare behind) that was for something minor to the slipper, wooden spoon then the hairbrush came oh how i hated to see that wooden bristled brush because the bad was the wooden back but there were a few times I would get the bristles - that would hurt so much. To this day I cant think of anything that I did sooo wrong that warranted it but I guess in her mind I had done something. Looking back I did have a nice life with her, I did Ballet and Tap (She had my hair cut from gorgeous blonde curly long hair to a boys cropped haircut because I'd cry when she would pull and drag it when she was getting me ready for ballet), I went swimming and also to church every sunday and yes I did have good times but sometimes its hard to remember them.

I went to a school across the road from where we lived - it was a big school and I had some friends there but was hardly ever allowed to go and play at their houses I guess incase they wanted to come to mine? But there was many a day at the age of 5 - 7 I often had to let myself into the house and sit until my grandmother came in from work or my uncle came home from work my brother and other uncle were at boarding school). when I reached the age of 9 I was told I was going to boarding school - I remember crying so much because I didn't want to go - but I feel now I had to go because she just couldn't cope with me because she was nearing retirement age. so off I went to this posh boarding school where they all talked la-de-dah and there is little old me with no parents and was target practice immediately. I remember lying saying my parents died just to get some attention. and of course that was reported back to my grandmother and what she said to that was "If you leave this school - no where else will have you and you will have to go to live with your mother". Well hello - lightbulbs went off even at the age of 9 I knew what to do - I was a horrible child in school, didn't do my work, lied, cheated swore and eventually 6 months later I was expelled - result!!

But man did I get a beating and loads of guilt trips - the worst one was my grandmother was shouting at me about how I was ungrateful etc and I said I don't care I just want to go and live with my mum - she then proceeded to fall to the floor and not move, I remember so well shaking her and calling her and no answer - even her eyelids didn't flicker - just as I picked up the phone to dial 999 she sat up and said now look that could have been real I could have died let that teach you a lesson! shortly after that incident I was packed off to Ireland ( I had been on holidays and loved it so much, my mum was great, my step-father loved me and treated me like his own)

11-16 years

I got a rude awakening when I got there believe me!! what was nice for the holidays wasn't the real life at all - we were very poor, my mother (now I look back and see it) was mentally bullied by my step-father, and there wasn't even a toilet in the house! it was an elsun - like a big bucket with chemicals in the bottom which had to be emptied every 2 days ( i remember throwing up everytime I had to do it) yes I was 11 at this stage and doing jobs like that, I was a glorified skivvy, I would carry the logs/turf/coal in (when we had it) empty the ash, clean etc....... then the nightmare that became my life started - my mother had to go to England to see my grandmother (to borrow money I think) and couldn't afford to bring me so I was left with my step-father (who by the way was an artist and actor) I had been allowed to stay up and watch the tv while he was drawing at his easel - I can still see it - he had been drawing a naked woman, he called me over and started to show me what he had drawn I remember feeling very uncomfortable and said oh that's nice I'm going to bed - and that was the start of it all - I'm not going into details. I tried to say no and he said if you don't I will tell your mother you what you did and she will be very angry and wont love you because she loves me more - she dumped you to live with me who do you think she will believe? So any time my mother went to town (we had no car so that was at least 2 hours when she went) he would pounce, and she never understood why I would beg to go with her.